Commitment in relationships

The 5 C’s of Healthy Relationships Part 1

Women are often taught one of two scripts for how to engage in a relationship.

One script women are taught is that they need to give everything to their partner and their family. They need to drop everything they’re doing every time their partner needs something. They’re taught that they have to care for and support their family regardless of how tired they are. They’re taught they should put off their career dreams so they can start a family.

The second script they’re taught is the opposite. They’re taught they need to be independent. They need to put off having a family to follow their dreams. They’re taught they should never let someone else dictate how they feel. 

The issue with these scripts is that they both result in women having unhealthy relationships with themselves and with their partners. With the first script, women lose themselves for the sake of giving their all to their partner and their family. With the second script, they don’t give any of themselves to a partner or family for the sake of being a self-sufficient woman.

Both of these scripts create a problematic narrative around the word “commitment.” Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy commitment can be easier if we see commitment as a scale. 

Codependency

On one end of the spectrum is codependency. Someone who is codependent often struggles with giving themselves permission to have emotions separate from their partner. This is usually because they’ve experienced some type of trauma in their past that has left them feeling less than a whole person by themselves. 

People who struggle with codependency find it difficult to be themselves when their partner is experiencing a negative emotion. They often take on the role of trying to “fix” their partner’s problems and then feel like a failure when they are unable to do so.

For example, Ally had the best day at work today. The person in front of her at the coffee shop paid for her order, she landed a new client after a flawless sales pitch, she went on a walk after lunch because the weather was perfect, and she didn’t hit a single red light on her drive home. 

She walked in the door and saw her boyfriend, Adam slamming kitchen cabinet doors and mumbling obscenities to himself. When she asked him what was wrong, he said he’s just had a bad day. He spilled his coffee on his lap because a car cut him off in traffic and he had to slam on his brakes, his boss yelled at him for something a coworker did, and his car started making a funny noise on the way home. 

Adam wasn’t taking his frustrations out on Ally. If that were the case, then we’d be going into the territory of abuse and domestic violence, and though that’s still an important topic, it’s not the focus today. 

Even though Adam isn’t taking his frustrations out on Ally, her mood instantly shifted to match his. She no longer felt happy and excited about her day. All of the positive things might as well have not even happened. She was all of a sudden feeling frustrated and irritable and she and Adam both felt miserable the rest of the evening. 

This is problematic because now Ally and Adam are both in a bad mood and neither of them can try and help the other lift their mood. Now, they’re both just feeding off of each other’s bad mood. This can lead to conflict with each other or frustrations with themselves. It also sets a precedent for the future, where it can become almost like an expectation that when one of them is in a bad mood, the other will fall into a bad mood as well.

This scenario is never fun for either party in the relationship.

Narcissism

On the other end of the spectrum is narcissism. If someone focuses too much on themselves and their own emotions, they tend to disregard the emotions of others. 

Let’s look at another version of Ally and Adam’s story.

Ally had the same good day and is in a great mood and Adam had the same bad day and is frustrated. Ally walked in the door, put her keys and purse on the table, poured herself a glass of wine while Adam was trying to put the dishes away and started telling Adam about how good of a day she had. 

After she was done, she kicked off her shoes and asked Adam if he was ready to go to game night at their friends Sarah and Michael’s house. Adam said he’s had a really bad day and didn’t want to be around people. He asked Ally if they could reschedule with their friends. Ally immediately started to get mad at Adam for wanting to blow off their friends. They spend the rest of the evening not speaking to each other.

In this scenario, Ally didn’t seem to have any care at all that Adam had a bad day. She could see that he was slamming the cabinet doors while putting the dishes away. Instead of asking him about it, she just got in his way to pour herself a glass of wine and started talking about how good her day was. Instead of listening to Adam and understanding that he doesn’t want to be around people, she got mad at him. She made Adam feel like him being upset was a burden or inconvenience for Ally.

This end of the spectrum is also problematic because it can leave one person feeling as though their partner doesn’t care about them or their happiness. If Ally continues to disregard Adam and his feelings, especially when he’s upset about something, he’s more than likely going to start thinking that Ally only cares about herself, which is going to start putting a wedge between them in their relationship.

Healthy Commitment

The middle of the spectrum is where we find healthy commitment.

Part of being in a healthy committed relationship with someone means that you are able to acknowledge your partner’s emotions and support them when they are upset while still having your own independent emotions and experiences.

Here’s a healthy version of Ally and Adam’s story.

Ally has the same great day with free coffee on her way to work, landing a new client, a walk outside in great weather, and a smooth drive home. When she walked in the door, she still saw Adam slamming cabinets in the kitchen and grumbling to himself because he spilled his coffee on his way to work, got yelled at by his boss for something that wasn’t his fault, and his car started making a weird sound on his way home.

Instead of her mood instantly shifting to match Adam’s, Ally acknowledges his experience and feelings but remains in a good mood herself. She asks Adam if he wants to talk about how he’s feeling about his day, but he says that he just wants to forget about it and move on with their evening. She offers to make dinner while he goes and takes a shower to relax and maybe plays some video games to blow off some steam. After dinner, Ally suggests they take the dog to the park so they can get some fresh air and exercise since it’s a great day out.

Ally never wants to see Adam upset and wants to be able to help him when he’s in a bad mood. But neglecting her own positive emotions to bring her mood down to match his isn’t the way to accomplish that. Instead, she can use her positive mood to help Adam raise his mood to match hers by suggesting things she knows will help him relax and move on from his bad day at work. 

After they played with their dog in the park, Adam felt much better and he and Ally  went on to have a pleasant evening at home.

It’s important to note that supporting your partner when they’re upset doesn’t always look the way Ally supported Adam. We need to learn and understand how our partner needs us to show up and support them.

It can also be giving your partner the space they need to process their emotions on their own. If my boyfriend is upset about something, I never ask him if he wants to talk about it. I already know he doesn’t. I calmly let him know I’m there if he needs anything, but then I let him be. I go on about my day while he processes his emotions on his own and then when he’s ready we reconvene and go about our evening together.

As someone who loves to support and help the people I love, this was a really challenging thing for me to learn how to do. It took some time, but I eventually realized that it’s not about how I want to support him. It’s about how he needs to be supported.

The middle is the sweet spot of the commitment spectrum. When we engage in healthy commitment, we are showing love and care for our partner, acknowledging them and their emotions, and supporting them when they’re upset, but we are also remaining a separate person with separate feelings and emotions. Healthy commitment is a healthy balance between the ends of the spectrum where we find codependency and narcissism. 

The takeaway

Your partner’s emotions aren’t your responsibility. That may sound cold-hearted, but read it again. Your partner’s emotions aren’t your responsibility. We ultimately have no control over how other people feel, so feeling like you aren’t allowed to be happy when your partner is upset is only going to lead to both of you being in a bad mood.

Rather than seeing your partner’s happiness as your responsibility, think of your responsibility being to acknowledge your partner’s emotions and experiences, be present and support them when they are experiencing negative emotions, and support them in the way they need it the most.

Keeping the balance between showing love and support to your partner when they’re upset and keeping your own emotions independent of theirs is how we engage in healthy commitment. This healthy commitment is the balance between codependency and narcissism.

Until next week,

Rychelle 💜