Comprehension in relationships

The 5 C's of Healthy Relationships Part 5

Before I get into the topic for this issue, I want your input! For the past 2 years, this newsletter has been called “Women: Empowered.” Since recently shifting to focus more on the in’s and out’s of relationships, that title no longer explains the purpose of this newsletter. So I want to change it.

This is where you come in!

Thanks for voting! Now, on to our topic for the week…

This is the 5th and final part of the 5 C’s of Healthy Relationships series and it’s all about comprehension.

Part 4 was about how communication is a important component in relationships. I would argue that comprehension is just as, if not more, crucial.

Even if two people in a relationship have perfect communication skills, those skills are virtually pointless unless their comprehension is also at healthy levels.

I may be able to communicate my needs and wants to someone in a way that I believe is clear and explicit, and even in a way that other people would understand. But it’s still not successful if the person I’m trying to communicate to aren’t able or willing to properly comprehend what I am saying.

Just as with the other 4 C’s of Healthy Relationships, comprehension operates on a spectrum with unhealthy levels at either end and healthy levels right in the middle.

Too little comprehension

Similar to some of the other C’s, too little comprehension is something most of us are probably already familiar with when it comes to relationships.

When the other person in the relationship doesn’t understand what we are communicating, regardless of how well we are communicating it, we can feel frustrated, misunderstood, and invalidated.

There are a few different reasons why there could be a lack of comprehension in relationships:

1. they may think differently than you do and it’s hard for them to understand things how you have phrased it even if it makes perfect sense to you

2. they may think there’s an underlying meaning or ulterior motive behind your words, which can be common when that person has experienced traumatic and toxic relationships in the past

3. they may not understand why something is upsetting to you because it isn’t something that they find upsetting

In the first two situations, the lack of proper comprehension leads to misunderstanding. If the other person thinks differently than you, they may straight up not know what you’re trying to communicate or they may think you mean something else.

In the third situation, you may be left with feelings of invalidation. Just because something wouldn’t upset them, doesn’t mean it can’t upset you.

Too much comprehension

How can there possibly be too much comprehension in a relationship? If one person fully understands and can expect how the other person is going to act during a conversation, they may try and rush the conversation to get to the end point.

Here’s what I mean…

Matt and his dad are sitting out on the back porch after dinner and Matt tells his dad he doesn’t want to take over the family restaurant when he’s gone like they had originally planned.

His dad starts to get upset, saying he doesn’t understand. Matt interrupts him and says, “Dad, I’m going to stop you right there. This is the same response you had when Joe told you last year that he didn’t want to take over the restaurant either. You got upset at first, yelled a bunch, said you were going to cut him off and stormed out. Then the next day, you called him and said you thought it over and you just want Joe to be happy, so it’s okay that he doesn’t want to take over the restaurant. This is always what happens when things don’t go the way you think they should. So, let’s just skip over the part where you throw a tantrum, and get to the part where you accept what I’m telling you.”

While it’s not really okay for Matt’s dad to yell and threaten to cut off support, Matt’s reaction to his dad’s response isn’t okay either.

Matt telling his dad to just skip over the part where he’s upset so he can get to the part where he’s supportive is dismissive of his dad’s feelings. After all, Matt is now the second child to tell him that he doesn’t want to take over the restaurant. Meaning, that when he’s gone, the restaurant that he worked his whole life to open will most likely be gone too.

In the end, Matt’s dad just wants his kids to be happy and pursue their dreams, even if their dreams are different from his, but it’s okay for him to be upset at first.

Relationships are about collaboration, and Matt rushing his dad through his emotions is not collaborative behavior. Instead, Matt should have been more sensitive to his dad’s feelings, letting his dad naturally process through the emotions, eventually getting to the point where he understands Matt’s perspective and is supportive of his wants and needs.

The takeaway

Balanced comprehension is just as important to healthy relationships as balanced communication.

You can be the best communicator on the planet, but if the person you are trying to communicate to doesn’t have a balanced comprehension, the relationship is going to experience some turmoil.

If there’s too little comprehension, there will be misunderstanding and feelings of invalidation.

Too much comprehension is uncollaborative and is dismissive of the other person’s feelings.

Understanding where the other person is coming from while still giving them the space to explain their processes and feelings is where we find that healthy balance.

Until next week,

Rychelle 💜