Staying angry after a breakup
You're only getting in the way of your own happiness
Hey everyone!
This week’s post is all about staying angry after a break up…or rather why staying angry after a breakup only hurts yourself.
This is the exact thing I help clients with during individual coaching. If you’re struggling with this or something similar regarding relationships…
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Anger after a breakup
It’s understandable to feel some sort of negative emotion after a breakup. Some people feel angry, especially if their partner did something unforgivable. For example, if your partner cheats on you, anger is a normal reaction.
But after a certain point, continuing to be angry at your ex keeps you in a sort of purgatory, unable to move on from that relationship. You get stuck in that anger.
Anger is like a hot coal
When you hold on to anger toward another person, it’s as if you’re holding on to a hot coal with the intention of giving it to that person without ever actually giving it to them. By continuing to be angry, you’re only damaging to yourself while the other person is free to go on about their life.
All of this anger your holding on to is only going to get in the way of you being happy, both within yourself and in current and future relationships.
Here’s an example:
Janet found out that her boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating on her with one of his coworkers. She angrily broke up with him.
One year later, her ex-boyfriend is living happily without a care in the world. He’s got a new job and a new girlfriend.
Janet, on the other hand, is still angry one year after the breakup. She’s thought about how angry she is at her ex almost every day. She’s also been single this entire year.
She tried to go on a few dates with guys she was attracted to, but never got past a second or third date. She couldn’t help but feeling angry at these new guys any time she saw them around another woman even though she never had evidence they were cheating on her like her ex did. She wasn’t able to form a genuine connection with anyone new.
She was holding on to the anger toward her ex-boyfriend and bringing that anger into any new relationship she tried to have.
Also during this year, Janet’s friends and family kind of stopped coming around. She realized that it had been a while since she spent any time with the people in her life.
She started asking her friends why they never hang out anymore and they all said the same thing…
“You just haven’t really been that fun to be around lately. You’ve seemed miserable and angry since your relationship ended.”
Janet got defensive…”OF COURSE I”M ANGRY, HE CHEATED ON ME!!!!”
Janet was letting the actions of her ex-boyfriend affect her interactions with every potential new partner and with all of her current non-romantic relationships while he has been living care free and hasn’t thought about Janet even once since they broke up.
Even though their relationship is over, her ex still has quite the impact on her life.
Put the hot coal down
Again, it’s completely understandable to feel anger after a breakup, especially in a situation like Janet’s where her boyfriend of 3 years cheated on her.
But here’s a better way Janet could have handled her anger post-breakup.
When Janet broke up with her boyfriend she picked up the hot coal of anger and had every intention of giving it to him. After a short time, she realized that he wasn’t going to take the hot coal from her. She also realized that the hot coal was burning her hand more and more the longer she held on to it.
So instead of continuing to hold on to the hot coal, she put it down.
Janet still recognizes that her boyfriend cheating on her (i.e. the hot coal) is a painful experience. She was committed to this guy for 3 years and he just threw the relationship away. She took some time to realize that the relationship wasn’t meant to be, he wasn’t the guy for her, and his actions weren’t her fault. They were his actions and his actions alone. She had no control over them.
While she felt angry toward him immediately after the breakup, she also recognized that holding on to the anger she felt toward him is only going to cause more damage to her. It isn’t going to affect her ex in the slightest!
Some people think about this as a form of forgiveness. They may say “Forgive the person, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve the peace that comes with forgiveness.”
If that way of thinking is helpful for you, by all means go with it! Personally, I don’t like to think of it as “forgiveness.” Instead, I think about it as choosing yourself.
You can’t change the behavior of the other person. Janet can’t change the fact that her boyfriend cheated on her. You can choose yourself, though. Janet can choose herself and her happiness over being angry with her ex.
So, instead of holding on to that hot coal of anger, sit with it for a bit and process it thoroughly, but then put it down. Choose yourself. Choose your happiness.
Your happiness, your future, and your other relationships are more important and valuable than holding on to anger for someone who no longer thinks about you or the relationship you once had.
Choose you.
Until next week,
Rychelle 💜